One Relational Trauma Survivor’s Experience with Ketamine Infusions by Papa Coco
/Notes from Kizzie, OOTS Forum Administrator:
This article is not intended to promote the use of Ketamine, rather it is to provide information about the process and cost as it is now being used “off label” as a treatment for depression and anxiety among other things. Many survivors are looking into alternate treatment approaches and Ketamine infusion with or without therapy is one option. There are also many other options such as the use of psilocybin and MDMA on the horizon. Please ensure you investigate the legality of any of these where you live and the scientific evidence regarding the efficacy of treatment.
This member had ketamine infusion only, it did not involve therapy at the clinic he went to. He did, however, work with his private therapist to process the infusions after each one and recommends others do the same.
Some Ketamine is covered by health insurance depending on the country and state/province. Most will require a physician’s or psychologist’s referral.
I’ve added a bit at the end of this article outlining what the ketamine assisted therapy process and cost is here in Alberta Canada for readers’ information.
This is a report on my own personal experiences with Ketamine Infusions. I'm told some people respond better than I did, and some not as well. I can't guarantee that anyone will have the same experiences I have. I'm only giving a detailed report of what I, myself, experienced. What I wrote here today is the stuff I wish someone would have told me before I participated. These were the questions I had but nobody really shared these answers. The experience, for me, is nothing but positive.
It is expensive ($450 per infusion), but for me, giving up a few other things in life so I can pay for these infusions is the right thing to do. I was on the verge of not surviving much longer. If the clinic hadn't called me back on the day I contacted them, I was ready to call the National Suicide Hotline to ask for the phone numbers of someplace where I could be placed where I would not be able to hurt myself. So for me, the cost is not an option. I have to pay for this, at least until psylocibin becomes legal for clinics to administer here in Seattle. A massive body of research from most countries is proving that psychedelics work even better than Ketamine, so when they become legal...COUNT ME IN!
The clinic I use suggests that clients take six infusions in four weeks: two infusions during the first week, two the second week, one the third week, and one the fourth week. Different clients respond differently, so the frequency and number of infusions can vary greatly, but they say on an average, many people come back for a refresher infusion in a month or two, and then maybe three or four refresher infusions per year after that. The clinic tells me that as I go forward, I'll be able to put longer and longer periods of time between infusions.
Here's how the infusions work. I cannot drive home from the infusions, so I either Uber there, or if my wife is off work that day she drops me off and/or picks me up. I go into a room and am seated in a comfortable recliner chair. A very kind and quiet woman I'll call "LL" connects me to a blood pressure monitor, an oxygen sensor and a heart monitor, then inserts an IV needle into a hand or arm, (wherever we can find an easy vein). She asks if I'm comfortable, and offers to raise or lower the room temperature, or turn on any music--or to do whatever I feel will make me as comfortable as possible. Once I say I'm ready she turns on the 40-minute Ketamine flow. (Basically, I feel total personal control throughout the entire experience).
She then sits down in a chair facing me and where she can see all the monitors. She silently reads a book. Within about 2 minutes I start to feel very relaxed. Within 6 minutes I'm getting into what I call "my visit with God." It's important to note that while I'm in the infusion I am fully conscious. If I want to talk with LL I can. If I want to move my body, I can. I have a lot of choices. I can have music or headphones or an eye mask or a blanket, or whatever will help me feel as comfortable as I want for the duration of the infusion.
After about 40 minutes I feel myself coming out of the infusion. She watches and gets ready to welcome me back as soon as I appear to be ready for a conversation. She asks how it went and listens to me groggily tell her whatever I want to tell her about what I experienced. I can usually walk, if I'm careful, back out to the lobby within about 5 minutes. Coffee and socializing with someone help to bring me back to feeling more awake and able to walk on my own. Within a couple of hours I'm okay to walk without fear of falling, and even to cook safely, but it's really a VERY good idea to not have any big plans for the rest of the day. I sometimes take a 3-hour nap when I get home, but after my 7th infusion I seem to be getting better at coming out of the relaxation more quickly.
My first infusion was 40 minutes with my eyes open, watching the wind in the trees outside the window. The next six infusions I've closed my eyes because I enjoy it more that way. It's as if I have full control over my physical body but am choosing to stay relaxed. I can pull up a blanket, adjust my body for comfort any time I want. I'm not at all unconscious. After the infusion, I remember all 40 minutes of it. There is no lost time, no unconsciousness at all. Any time I feel like I need grounding, I open my eyelids enough to see LL sitting near me reading her book. I can ground myself at will or allow myself to "float around in the ether" if I would rather.
My choice is to not wear an eye mask, but to wear noise cancelling headphones without music. When I wear an eye mask, the world inside my eyes is dark. When I don't, sunlight coming through the window and through my thin eyelids gives me an experience of golden colors, swirling, almost like being in a swirling flow of golden energy. This is most likely a physical effect of my eyes being able to see while my eye lids are closed. Think about when you close your eyes and push in on them with your fingers. You see all those swirling movements. This is like that but with greater intensity. Flowing with the energy of my eye lids makes me feel like my body is floating around in absolute safety in a universe where the outside world still exists but doesn't matter. Basically, while I'm under Ketamine, I feel eternal. Like I've died and am safely in "Heaven" and am an integral, indestructible, unconditionally loved part of all of eternity.
During the infusion, I can think about anything I want to. I can choose to think about specific people or experiences. LL tells me that people who listen to music sometimes become agitated. She's there to ask them if they're okay, and when she hears what they are listening to in their headphones, she usually discovers that the music has become lively and agitating. So she recommends they either turn it off or change to a more relaxing sound. This is one reason I don't listen to music. The other is, I don't want music directing my thoughts. I want full control over what/who I'm thinking about.
I call these infusions my "visits with God" because I really, truly sense my connection to creation and eternity--to birth, life, and death like it's a cycle that doesn't frighten me. My brain is active during the "visit" so if I'm not choosing what to think about, memories or faces or places show themselves on their own in my vision. The only emotion I ever experience, no matter whose face I see, is love. I never feel fear, or anger, or hatred. I see flashes of buildings that have meaning to me. I have one recurring vision during the first few minutes of every infusion. I see the ceiling in a room, as if I remember staring at that ceiling in some important way as a child. It's like a basement ceiling, with water stains in the sheet rock. I've never been able to place where I've seen it before, and it only lasts a few seconds. Also, during the first few minutes, I connect very strongly with birth and death. I usually see my mom's face, but in a loving way. I then hear the words of love. Words become fun to play with. Mom's name was LaVonne. During infusion one, I noticed LaVonne had the word Love in it > "Love On".
Before infusion one, I'd grown to hate my mother. She was not a narcissist, but she was selfish, and she had allowed the church to do terrible things to me, because it was more important for her to be seen as a good Catholic than it was for her to protect her son. After the infusion I felt like I'd completely forgiven her for her own shortcomings and felt connected with her true love that she did have for me, even though she wasn't good at showing it.
I felt like I no longer needed to be every person's doormat. During the next 3 or 4 days that followed the first infusion I was connected to a new kind of anger. My therapist helps describe it as a good, helpful, appropriate anger now...the kind that is used to protect me from scammers and liars and bullies. Before Infusion 1, I only ever felt bad anger, the kind that lashes out inappropriately when my body can't hold it back any longer. I'm more confident that I am loved and connected and forgiven, and I'm quicker to forgive and love others as well.
My 40-minute experiences in Ketamine Infusions leaves me to believe, with all my heart, that I am in God and God is in me. I never feel like I'm leaving my body. I FEEL like I'm going into my body and finding eternity there. It sounds strange, but I have a truly realistic sense now that Eternity is within me AND I'm within it. I describe it as though I am a seed. I choose to use the seed metaphor because a tiny, pea sized seed has all the DNA of a 100-foot tree in it. The tree also has millions of seeds within it. The tree grows seeds which become trees which grow seeds which become trees which grows seeds, etc., in a continuous loop of life. That's how life feels to me now after 7 Ketamine Infusions. I feel unafraid of death, but also not like harming myself. Like no matter what happens to me in this life it means nothing because when my life ends, I go back to the eternal existence that has no danger and no trauma and no drama to it.
To sum up the Ketamine Infusion experience in a single comment, it would be; I now feel connected. My lifelong trauma responses come from a deep sense that I’ve never been welcome in life. I was God's ugly mistake. During Ketamine Infusions I feel total, unconditional connection to all of existence, which is the opposite of how I’ve lived most of my human life.
The Process and Cost of Ketamine Assisted Therapy in a Clinic in Alberta Canada (added by Kizzie)
Doctor/psychologist referral (must have this)
Intake session
2 Prep Sessions with psychologist ($500)
Micro Test Dose with Therapy: One-time dose to ensure no allergies or adverse reactions to the medicine. ($120 dose, $250 Therapy Session = $370 Total)
Macro Doses with Therapy - Recommend 6 sessions but this depends on individual. ($200 dose + $375 Therapy = $575 total)