Coercive Control of a Child is Abuse by Dr. Christine Cocchiola
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That statement may feel harsh to some but not calling it what it is would be a lie. When a coercive controller manipulates and conditions a child, teaching them to distrust, fear, or reject their protective parent - it is abuse.
It is a deeply insidious form of psychological warfare, and as a protective parent, you are on the front lines. If you are parenting a child who is being coercively controlled, you are doing the hardest work there is under the most challenging circumstances. You are trying to hold onto your child’s attachment to you while an abuser actively works to fracture it. It’s a malicious fracturing of attachment - a harmful act against a child - when we know that attachment is vital to healthy development.
You are trying to help your child feel safe and loved while they are being conditioned to believe that love is conditional. You are parenting a child who is overwhelmed, dysregulated, and lost - yet whose behaviors may be blamed on you.
This blog [article] will validate for you the experiences of your child - experiences very similar to your own experiences - and support your understanding exactly what is happening behind the scenes when your child is with the coercive controller.
We will discuss:
How coercive controllers manipulate children into compliance.
Why children align with the abuser (and why it is not their fault).
The critical strategies you can use to maintain and rebuild your attachment with your child.
No matter how far the coercive controller has pulled your child away, the attachment you once had is never truly broken. And that is where your power lies.
How Coercive Controllers Manipulate Children
Coercive control is not just about dominating a partner. It’s about dominating an entire family system. And that includes children. A coercive controller’s ultimate goal is to fracture the child’s attachment to the protective parent and mold them into an extension of themselves. Remember, this is not just about harming the protective parent. This is about control, power, and ensuring that the child is fully under their influence.
Children in Survival Mode: The “Wolf in the Home” Effect
Imagine coming home each day knowing there was a wolf inside. Some days, the wolf is calm. Other days, it attacks. You never know which version you’re going to get, so you learn to watch, anticipate, and adjust your behavior to keep the wolf at bay. This is what children living under coercive control experience. Their nervous system is in constant survival mode, scanning for danger, adjusting to unpredictable moods, and doing whatever it takes to stay safe.
They learn:
Who they are is not acceptable.
Their needs come second to the abuser’s demands.
Compliance equals safety.
This is not conscious, it’s instinct. Their brain is protecting them.
The Tactics of a Coercive Controller
Coercive controllers use a mix of psychological warfare, manipulation, and conditioning to make the child dependent on them and distrustful of the protective parent. Some of their most common tactics include:
Gaslighting - Convincing the child that their protective parent is unstable, unsafe, or unloving. “Your mom/dad doesn’t really care about you.”
Triangulation - Using the child as a messenger or spy, creating secrecy and division.
Guilt & Obligation - Making the child feel responsible for their emotions. “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t want to go to the other house.”
Withholding Love - Love and approval are conditional. The child must align with the abuser to “earn” their place.
Overindulgence or Neglect - Some abusers become the “fun parent” (no rules, all gifts) or the victim who needs care—either way, the child is manipulated into prioritizing them.
At its core, this is psychological abuse. And yet, many protective parents are forced to watch it happen while being told they must co-parent with their abuser. But here’s what the coercive controller cannot do—they cannot fully erase the bond - the attachment - between you and your child. That’s why, despite the manipulation, there is still hope. And that’s what we’ll explore in the next section.
Why Children Align with the Abuser (and Why It’s Not Their Fault)
It’s one of the hardest things a protective parent can experience. Watching their child align with the person who has caused so much harm. It feels like betrayal. But in reality, it’s survival. Children do not have the cognitive or emotional capacity to recognize coercive control for what it is. Their developing brains are wired for attachment and protection, which means they will do whatever they must to stay safe - even if that means turning against the safe parent.
The Power Dynamic: Why Children Choose the Abuser
A child who has been conditioned by a coercive controller is making an impossible choice. They can:
Align with the protective parent and risk the abuser’s retaliation.
Align with the abuser and secure a sense of safety, even if it’s false.
To a child, the choice is clear. The coercive controller holds the power. Aligning with them may feel like the only way to avoid conflict, punishment, or withdrawal of love.
Cognitive Dissonance & Trauma Bonding
A child who has been exposed to coercive control is experiencing psychological fragmentation. They may remember feeling safe with the protective parent, but they are also hearing a steady stream of lies designed to make them question that reality.
They are caught between two conflicting truths:
My protective parent loves me and has always been there for me.
But my other parent says they are dangerous, crazy, or don’t really care about me.
This internal conflict creates cognitive dissonance, which children resolve by choosing the path of least resistance, and that most likely means aligning with the more powerful, more controlling parent.
The Attachment Can Never Be Entirely Broken
No matter how much the coercive controller manipulates them, the attachment between a child and their protective parent cannot be erased. It may be buried. It may be fragile. But it is still there. And that is why your role is so critical.
How Protective Parents Can Maintain and Rebuild Connection
Coercive controllers work relentlessly to fracture a child’s attachment with the protective parent. Your job is to be just as intentional about preserving it. This means being the steady, safe presence they can return to when they are ready.
Clarity Without Confrontation
Children in these situations are often confused. They hear one reality at the coercive controller’s home and experience another with you. While you cannot directly challenge the abuser’s lies, you can help your child develop critical thinking skills.
Name behaviors, not people. Instead of saying, "That is not true, your father/mother is lying," say, "Sometimes people say things that aren’t fair or kind. What do you think?"
Validate their feelings. If they seem distant or angry, acknowledge it. "I see that you’re upset. You can always talk to me about anything."
Give them language for manipulation. Teaching terms like "fairness," "respect," and "trust" helps them recognize when those things are missing.
Consistency is More Powerful Than Control
A coercive controller’s influence is based on fear, guilt, and instability. Your influence must come from predictability, patience, and unconditional love.
Keep showing up, even when they pull away.
Respond calmly, even when they test you.
Be the parent they expect to find, no matter what the abuser says about you.
The Long Game
Some children see the truth early. Others take years. Regardless of how long it takes, the protective parent’s role remains the same: stay steady, stay open, and stay connected. The coercive controller’s grip may be strong, but it is not absolute. The more secure a child feels with you, the more likely they are to break free from the manipulation.
The CIA Framework for Protective Parenting
Coercive controllers are strategic. Protective parents must be too. The key is to create consistent, authentic connection without pressure or expectation. This is where the CIA framework comes in: Creativity, Intentionality, and Attunement.
Creativity: Finding New Ways to Connect
When a child is being manipulated, direct conversations about the coercive controller often backfire. Instead, focus on shared experiences that build trust.
Engage in activities they enjoy without forcing conversation.
Use humor and playfulness to ease tension.
Create rituals that feel safe and familiar, like a bedtime routine or a weekend tradition.
Intentionality: Showing Up With Purpose
The coercive controller is teaching your child that you are unstable, unsafe, or unloving. Every interaction is an opportunity to quietly prove them wrong.
Stay calm, even when they test you.
Follow through on promises, no matter how small.
Keep your focus on connection, not correction.
Attunement: Meeting Them Where They Are
A child who is caught in coercive control may seem distant or even hostile. This is not personal. It is a survival response.
Give them space when they need it, but remain present.
Pay attention to when they are most open to connection and meet them there.
Let them lead interactions whenever possible.
The Power of Patience
This process takes time. A child who has been conditioned to distrust you will not shift overnight. But every moment of connection strengthens the foundation for healing.
Keep Showing Up
Coercive controllers manipulate, isolate, and instill fear, but they cannot fully erase the attachment between you and your child. No matter how much damage has been done, the attachment can be reignited and fortified.
This process is not linear. A child who sees things clearly today may align with the abuser tomorrow. This does not mean you have failed. It means the coercive controller is still applying pressure, and your child is still navigating survival.
Your role is to be the steady presence they can return to.
Stay patient, even when they push you away.
Stay consistent, even when it feels like nothing is changing.
Stay open, so when they are ready, they know that you are right there waiting for them.
The coercive controller operates from fear, control, and instability. You operate from love, trust, and consistency. In the end, that is what lasts.
About Dr. Cocchiola
Christine Marie Cocchiola, DSW, LCSW is an expert on the experiences of adult and child victims of coercive control/narcissistic abuse. She is a survivor and a protective parent and has been a social justice advocate since the age of nineteen, volunteering for a local domestic violence/sexual assault agency. She is a college professor teaching social work for over twenty years and received her doctorate in clinical social work from New York University working under the tutelage of Dr. Evan Stark. Her clinical work with protective parents is based in attachment theory. She presents nationally and internationally on the concept of coercive control with a focus on educating on the experiences of children and best intervention strategies for adult and child victims of coercive control/narcissistic abuse. She is the author of “Framed: Women in the Family Court Underworld.” See also her TED Talk “It’s All Coercive Control | Christine Cocchiola | TEDxUTulsa.”
